Lack of confidence.

by - 10:47:00 PM

My iphone just crashed and I am feeling emo today but heck, we should still give thanks for God created men who created the iphone.

So recently everyone is focusing on SPM, on what they're going to be in the future, on what they're going to be, how much they're gonna earn. I have a friend who is already listening to some air traffic already, feeding his love to become a pilot. *faints*
Everyone has in mind what they're going to be, where they will be in 10 years time and me ? I'm stuck with nothing.

Of course I can picture myself 10 years later. I'll be married to Lee Taemin and we will have very cute babies who sing and dance as well as their dad.

So you see, I am pretty blank. How do people know what to do ? How do they decide their favourite subject ? Cos mine varies according to my teacher.
I would say I love addmaths, and the first thing I think of is actuarial science. and it sounds sien to me. I like stuff with colours, so I thought of designing, but no steady income.

I'm not only talking about career wise. What about basic skills ?

I can't cook. The only thing I do best is cut onions cos my mum makes me do that ALL the time.

Well I can always live on instant noodles but I'll probably die of brain tumor due to too much artificial stuff 20 years later so forget it.

I've never had a job. Most of the people I know have had jobs before. Waitressing, sales etc etc, even people younger than me ! Just yesterday I saw this kid around age 7 or 8 helping out his mother at a restaurant and I was like "Shit what am I doing at the age of 17?"

I don't have the guts. I may sound confident and loud around my friends but facing other people ? I'm a chicken.

I freak out when someone says "on stage" even though I've always performed on stage when I was young. I tremble even when talking to people I don't really know and most of all I think im paranoid HOW DO PEOPLE GO FOR JOB INTERVIEWS ONE ? THEY NOT SCARED ONE MEH ?

Lack of leadership. I am definitely NOT a leader.

Like during band practices, I as a conductor, should be leading the music or something but most of the time, I'm thinking about why I was chosen. I can randomly point out a dude who's music is WAY BETTER than mine, why me ? When I find confidence and I make a mistake and someone sneers/laugh, I will fall back to the hole of un-confidence again. Even watching my friend plan for Interact Carnival, I'm like "WHAT THE HECK HOW HE DO ONE I DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING" and I'm gonna be planning for IU night. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?? T____T

My older sister just came back from volunteer work in South Africa. She has a no salary job working for Thankyou water which sales bottled water and donates money to charity. She just got a paid job at 3 mobile and she is even thinking of applying for permit to perform by the streets. She has all these crazy things she wants to do and what am I left with ?

Of course I do have crazy things I want to do, but where do I start ? How do I start ? I suck at making my own choices.

When I'm out to dinner with my friends, I'll always ask them which is better and I choose according to what they pick SO YOU SEE.

I really do have zero confidence in my future or my dead iphone.
All I can do is work real hard starting now and surrender everything into God's hands. Lets hope for the best. :/

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