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Saturday, May 29

Low Self Esteem.

Yesterday, a random reader of my blog said I sound confident, I sound matured and he thinks i'm more like a confident 20 year old rather than a 16 year old student.

Today I went church for youth meeting, and Auntie Pauline talked about low self esteem and everything she said hit me real hard like a punching bag thrown right at my face. There were questions on the slide show regarding self esteem and when I ask myself those questions, the answers I chose all seemed to be the most un-confident answers among the few. All I wanted to do was to go to the toilet and cry at that time.

At home, I feel overshadowed, by my sister, who's way prettier than me. By my brother, who's so good in sports. Since young I've been the fat kid which everyone calls zhuwen. I've been the clumsy crybaby which nobody likes to play with. I've been the tomboy and everyone mistakes me as a boy. My church had been the place where I grew up, I used to attend kindergarden there, and those years were pretty much one of the bitter ones. I always felt left out but years went by, and I got into secondary, I learnt to use smiles and self-praises to hide my low self esteem, I learnt to blog because nobody can really see how I feel through the internet.

I've always self praised when I'm with my friends.
When they ask me who's the prettiest girl, I'll always say its me.
So when Auntie Pauline said about being over confident, my friends turned around and went neh, shuwen la. They think I'm confident, I'm proud of myself and stuff like that.. but they don't see how I'm actually feeling inside.

After youth ended, I went to the toilet and had a little cry. I was pretty emotional after that and I told someone about how I felt. That someone understood, she said she can see how I act confident on facebook, and also on my blog but in reality its different.
I don't think I could tell anyone this, not even to my best friend but well, typing is always different.

but now, everything will be different. I believe my big daddy up there will help me go through this. Even though I'm pretty disappointed that the closest friends don't see what I'm going through but I really hope I can overcome all this. I hope one day I can put down the past, put down all the insults I used to receive and actually look forward because

My big daddy made me beautiful, he made me special and what I think and what others think about me is not important. My big daddy loves me for who I am, and thats enough.

15 comments:

Munirah said...

i dunno if anything i say will make you feel better, so i'll just give you more hugs.

*HUGS*

Yiwen said...

everyone feels the same at one point of life. and yes its pretty obvious that you're acting oh so confident and pretty much very attention seeking. but i love you for who you are, i admire your braveness to be so LOUD on the internet and in reality, and i like how you're always very frank with your feelings (well, most of the time). you think you're overshadowed by me, but i think you took all the attention away with all your cryings. the devil loves to inject negative thoughts in you, so it's ok to be overconfident. even if you're not, try to be, like what you're doing. but when you do, believe that you're what you said you are. pretty/smart/whatever. because overtime, if you keep declaring it, you WILL become what you SAID you ARE. plus, a person who says she's pretty is much much more attractive than someone who constantly complain about how ugly she is. nobody wants to know that. you've matured so much over the years, very proud of you. and remember we love you for who you are.

Shuwen said...

@zhu thank youu
@yiwen thanks <3 Love you tons :) You're the best sister ever.

jfook said...

It's good to be confident. Everyone is special and unique in their own way. :)

phittera said...

its an awkward growing up phase that most go through. you will grow out of this in time and be a better person (:

Vin Tsen Gan said...

Sometimes its just how we look at ourselves. Honestly, self esteem is not like confidence. Confidence is what people perceive when they look/talk/have fun with you. Self esteem is what YOU perceive about YOURSELF.

So don't worry too much about self esteem coz its just something you can work on. Like what they say, when there is a will there is a way. All you have to do is try! Think positively about yourself.

Don't look at your weaknesses and criticize heavily. =)

kenwooi said...

believe in yourself and you can do miracles =)

nutty said...

You are more than who you think you are. ((=

John said...

aiti. u so cute and cute. not to mention, pretty also. you don't have to care what other ppl thing la. as long as you yourself are happy. so confident for what? there are so many ppl here that r ugly. if all think like you, all in danger edi. we must not think too much about how we look or what we have. esle, no one will be happy. you are pretty de. maybe you can try some exersice? i believe if you are lighter, you will be gorgeous. even though now already very nice. but since you say u not pretty, then you keep fit lo. however, i think u r good.

Shuwen said...

You guys are the sweetest ! <3 I can't thank you guys enough. You guys totally made my day.

Lindy said...

You are a pretty girl!! Don't care about what other people say because it doesn't matter! Believe in yourself. :D

Fong Yun (Elayne) said...

I used to feel like you do. Sometimes I still feel that way. I am always been compare to my elder sister too like how she's prettier than me and smarter than me(in my face). You just have to ignore them and be confident of who you are. There will always be haters and you can't please everyone. So be yourself and be confident :)

ohmywtf said...

i was a fat kid too...low self esteem as well back in primary and secondary school. But i decided to overcome tat by studying hard and diet. Gain all confidence back after i became top student and of course get more and more glimpse from admirers *cough :-P

toninkush said...

awww dont cry. come to papa =))

FiSh said...

(; do smile when you look at the mirror. Bring confidence back to yourself!