Wednesday, August 17

Self Identity

Wow it has been ages since I last blogged. After a long thought, I really want to transform this space into a space for thoughts, ideas and occasional lifestyle posts. I guess I have finally gotten over the dream of wanting to be a famous lifestyle blogger where people will sponsor me expensive meals and luxury goods in return for my review, but I do know I still love writing, so here it is. My second post of 2016.

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It's funny how in my last post, just a few short months ago, I was bright eyed, looking forward to 2016 and happily in a relationship. 2016 didn't turn out all that well after my post. Firstly my father fell very very ill, and I ended a year long relationship with my best friend. Good news is, Jesus heals and my father is on track to full recovery. I actually want to blog about the latter. 

If both of you were happy in the relationship, why did it end ? 

A question that I was asked a thousand times. The usual suspects : distance, personal growth, religion, difference in personality, they all come into play but a revelation that I have received this year was the importance of self-identity

If you're here to see my dish out secrets about relationship then you're in the wrong space. 

Throughout my life, I have always searched for identity in different things. Usually, materialistic goods or a new boyfriend. In fact, I have grown up surrounded by someone else's identity. More often throughout school, I was known as "Lingbena's daughter" or "XXX's girlfriend"  
(XXX usually being someone famous at school : the sports captain, the guy with a discipline problem everyone knew about). 

And somehow I have gotten comfortable with that. I would get away with things using my father's name, and I used to put my self-worth in having a prominent father. Clearly understanding that my identity in my family cannot last forever, I diverted my attention to thinking that if I could be the partner of someone great, or famous, then my life will be set. That version of me adored Disney princesses too much. Poor Cinderella got her life changed when she met the prince. Little Mermaid too, Sleeping Beauty too, Snow White too. I always thought that if I met the right prince, I could be a princess who will live happily ever after. In fact, tracking back to a blog post few years ago, I actually wrote that I will move anywhere in the world with my future husband. My own dreams, visions, career and family wouldn't have mattered as long as I had the perfect husband. Little did I know, I was slowly losing my self-identity, and placing my identity in someone else.

However after a series of events this year, I started to think. Do I want to continue to hide in the shadows of my well known family and a long series of boys? The deeper I prodded, I started finding my identity in Jesus. Revelations about God as a father, and how I'm His daughter. Knowing that identity, I have stopped being fearful of what the future holds. Instead of depending on someone to provide me with a comfortable future, I have learnt my self-worth, and was just reminded that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. In fact, a profound conversation with a close friend struck a chord in me : 

"God will not give you something you put your identity in"
Well if that is true, I can kiss my perfect husband goodbye.

Famous women in the world never placed their identity in their husbands, or partners. Not even Michelle Obama. As the wife of one of the most powerful men in the world, she managed to carve her own identity. Instead of depending on her husband's power, she brought it to greater heights. That is truly something remarkable.

It took a break up, and some gruelling months of soul searching for me to come to this moment of self realisation, and I'm glad I did. Now I know I am striving for my own life. Not so that I can fulfil someone's wishes, or so that I can meet someone perfect. 

Oh, what about my relationship? Well, I know its not the wisest choice, but I'm still gonna go ahead and quote Justin Bieber speaking about his breakup with Selena

"Your full identity can't be in that person. My identity was in her. Her identity was in me."